This week has been a busy life week. A welcome change from the recent day to day norm. My limbo-land is finally drawing to a close. When you have ten to twelve hours alone with only your head and reruns of Grey's Anatomy for company you can discover a lot about yourself. Meredith and Co. became my best friends. I enjoyed my fantasies about Hunt and Sloan and which character I am most like on the show, but when the hour turns into three and four episodes this can quickly become old and unappealing. I unearthed how both resilient and weak I can be at the same time. A conflicting duality.
Unemployment, can chip away at your self esteem unbeknownst to you at the time, a slow faint unnoticeable chip. My self confidence is a shadow of it's former self, an emaciated version of what it used to be. I realized my skeletal confidence had a depressive disorder when I was introduced to new people. Usually I can call upon her with ease, this Miss Thing, Miss Confidence and make people laugh, smile and offer a quick one liner, a haw haw and aren't all the Irish such good craic, but nowadays I'm searching for her and I find her sulking, not wanting to talk and in desperate need of a good dinner. As far as personality goes I'm pretty loud and opinionated and have never had any problem in the past talking to dogs, cats or humans. I love nothing more than slip sliding all over my soapbox. I am a typical extrovert (extravert, whatever your preference) and as I age I am unlocking my introversion and I have to say I'm a little fond of it. However over the last 6 months I've seen Miss Confidence cower away and hide like an awkward teenager, shuffling from side to side looking down at her feet ignorant to the words that follow hello when talking to anyone not just meeting new people. What I have found now is that I stutter and get embarrassed and shy in the middle of conversations, unable to locate the words in my frontal lobe and traffic them to my mouth. "I made a salad for dinner from eh um eh _______ it's easy, you can, you use, you buy.. the stuff, you know the stuff, the thing". Really easy. Yeh, easy for you to say, said no one ever as things get awkward.
And this becomes more apparent the more new aliens, I mean people are present. All the while my poor husband stares at me thinking, "oh my god, she's having a?!, call 911 or the vet! Call the vet, she probably needs a vet.
It's an outer body experience observing yourself with these close encounters and feeling like you have to be on. I watch myself from a distance as wide eyed in disbelief as my husband is, with my adolescent self confidence like a terrified spirit trying to escape my body out through my nostril. "Stay there will you, tell me what to say!" I silently scream as I snort her back in. Talking to people is fine in and of itself but then come the questions. What do you do for work? Where will you work? Have you applied for a job? What do you do ALL day? "I watch Grey's Anatomy" is not the answer to these questions, I'm still savvy enough to know this. All of these questions are asked with a good heart, in good faith, with genuine interest, concern, simply making conversation and involving me. People are really nice, I'm just not used to them anymore.
I put this down to a lack of daily interaction with co-workers, I feel like my brain is in atrophy, forgetting things and misplacing words or the ability to construct a sentence. The matter shrinking that no amount of "Grey's" will help no matter how big the words.
A job, can be a pain in the ________ . Here's a little mental exercise.. you can fill in the _______.
Whatever a job is, too busy, too quiet, a good time, a royal pain, just a pay cheque, it is social interaction and some type of financial independence and I miss it. The boost you get from little wins when you have asserted yourself, made good decisions and when you are proud of your work are a great sense of achievement. A job is a purpose for getting up and getting dressed and using your brain. I cannot wait to start working again! Yes I said it and yes I promise you can hold me to it. I wholeheartedly know that once I am in a job I will complain about something and long for a day off, a lie on in bed and to sit all day in the sun. Sure at least it will be something new to talk about other than funemployment. But I know I will feel normal again. The sun is fun until all you have are hours to lie in it.
So werk, work, I shout it loud, bring it on. Please don't get me started on how nauseous the prospect of an interview makes me now that english is no longer a language I have full mastery over.
To get soppy for a moment. I have been unable to work for the past 6 months due to status restrictions. My American life with my husband is a dream come true. He is my best friend, my confidant and we laugh at and with each other every day. I'm way funnier than him….just saying. I'm actually not, but he is possibly the bestest friend anyone could hope for. Maybe I'm biased but I bet his fellow New Jerseyites would agree with me. He has been my co-pilot navigating me out of this existential funky storm through the clouds and towards the employment light. If it wasn't for him I'd probably be back in Ireland wishing I wasn't working. So with that said I dedicate this to him. With a glass raised, "thank you, have a Guinness on me" (or you can once I start earning, wink wink).
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